True Treasure

A true treasure is not silver and gold, found in a pirate ship in the bottom of the ocean. A true treasure isn't ruby rings and jewels from long ago. You don't need a map. The true treasure is simply the love and joy found between you and me. ~Carmen Scott 

My thoughts of you

My thoughts of you

By Carmen Scott “Medina Bulerin” ©2002-2016

How can I love someone I have never seen? So passionate, that makes my heart skip a beat at the sound of his voice.

How can I feel his hands on my body, when he has never touch me? How can I feel his lips kiss me, when he has never whisper my name in the night?

A love with such passion that I would never imagine it on my wildest dreams. Could it be possible? Would you turn it away in fear that it could never be real? For I have never known such love?

This love, will I take the chance? A Chance of a heartbreak, for I have known a life time of heartbreaks.

But to know that for just one moment in my life, with passion, feeling, want and need, I would give myself entirely to him. Without regrets, sorrow or remorse, just to him.

His wants, needs, love, life, I couldn’t deny it to him.

To deny such love would be the most fatal of mistakes. To deny myself his love would be an injustice within itself.

To the name of love, and to have love based on spiritual, and not a physical beginning, could only result in the most special of love.

The love you wait a life time for. Love so strong that heaven nor earth could stop it from being. A love for you and I, a love for eternity. These are my thoughts of you. 

Love Like Yours

Love Like Yours

Can I remember life before I met you?

It’s a different world now, I am part of two.

It’s been some time now, and I’m no longer alone.

Love like yours, I’d never before know.

The things I consider on days like this.

Are the small moments, so full of bliss?

A kiss on my forehead, a glance across the bed,

Laughing with you until my blood pounds in my head.

Your warm eyes, are where I find my strength.

A day spent without you, is of unbearable length.

Is it absurd, that love makes me feel this way?

Silly and giddy with this Valentine’s display.

It is in your arms that my day begins and ends.

We are not only lovers; we are best friends.

I treasure you, as I never dreamed I could.

So thank you, for giving me something this good.

I wrote this one in 2003 

The song of Destiny

This one is from way back in December 24, 2002:

The song of Destiny

Walking in the rain,

Destiny talked to me

It showed me the way, and it told me to run away

Suffering tears, weeping surrounds

My eternal life without you.

Destiny knew

It told me to run away

With a thorn in my heart

I sadly looked away

To my dreams of you destroyed.

Oh my love time is short.

Destiny gave me a clue,

It told me that you shall know

My love is you.

It never ended, it never faded.

The love that destiny once knew

Once again it comes to me

And my love will last as long as forever.

Friendship

Friendship

When you are sad, I will dry your tears. When you are scared I will ease your fears. When you are worried I will give you hope. If you want to give up, I’ll help you cope. When you’re lost and can’t see the light I’ll be your beacon shinning so bright This is my oath that I pledge to the end. Why you may ask?

Because you are my friend…

Carmen Scott

New Age Dating

Dating is exhausting. Trying to find a person that its decent enough for you to try to have a relationship with, is a fulltime job.  As a woman, its sometimes very overwhelming. I created a profile on several dating sites, and within few hours, I had way too many messages. I was instantly overwhelming. Half of them did not read my profile. I put something in the middle of my biography that there were supposed to put on the subject, that let me know they actually took the time to read.
There were some decent guys, there were some creeps, there were all kinds of guys. It is a very hard way to make selections. Too many messages to address.  I can tell a lot of them just clicked on my picture and liked it, and move on. Or said they wanted to meet but no real conversations. I clicked on a couple and read some interesting profiles. I talked to a few of the guys. Some immediately, wanted more pictures. Some were interested in me personally, but then asked for revealing pictures. I am not sure what are the qualifications for a woman to date.
I am very comfortable with my body, and personality. So it was not issue for me to show a little more skin. However, there to many demands. Show me this, show me that, there is nothing to leave for the imagination.  Everyone is so shallow.
I dated a person from a site I fell in love with. We had an awesome relationship until he decided he preferred to deal with his issues alone, then to share them with me. I was left confused. I often question if it was me, which he assured me, it wasn’t me, it was him. (typical) He is not a bad guy, and nothing about us breaking up made sense. So after many tries, I gave up. We decided to remain friends. So I hit the Internet again.
I have been lied, guys say they are single, then they have families and girls living at home, others, are simply only after one thing and some have these high standards and weird questions. I starting to believe that dating offline will be best. That get to know someone every day, until you fall in love, share your time and experiences, until you cannot stop thinking about each other.
Whatever happened if you saw a girl, you smiled, and talk to her. Nowadays guys are too shy, or scared to do that. There is nothing wrong on asking a girl if she is single or not, if you find her attractive, and she is alone, and wearing no ring, sure say hi, smile and ask… I would do the same.
Online dating, is a game changer indeed. It allows shy people that otherwise wouldn’t talk to you in person to talk to you, however its full of complications, and for a person with severe anxiety, ADHD and depression, I don’t think is the best outlet, unless you have a lot of time on your hands to really go on many dates and find someone.
Before my last relationship, I think I went on over 10 dates before I met a decent guy, and even then, apparently we were not right for each other.  Do not get me wrong, I have made good male friends along the way, not everyone you meet online wants just sex. There are truly amazing people, that you can connect even if doesn’t end up in a relationship. You just never know what the future might bring.
Building a strong relationship should always start with friendship, then trust and devotion. Then finally in love.
Have fun dating, whether is online or in person.

I am going crazy Baby (song) by Carmen Scott

I am going crazy Baby

Baby, you have my heart

I can’t think of being without you

I am going crazy, hurt

Why won’t you let me in

We belong together

Being without you is not an option

You are my true love

I think about you even when I’m not conscious

I know you love me

Just let me in

My life has no meaning

If you are not in it

Baby, you have my heart

I can’t think of being without you

I am going crazy, hurt

Why won’t you let me in

You can’t imagine the pain I feel

I miss your lips, your hugs, your eyes

When you are not around

I hear your voice call me aloud

I see you in my dreams,

I pray that I can be strong to survive

I cannot take see you go

Please don’t say good bye

Baby, you have my heart

I can’t think of being without you

I am going crazy, hurt

Why won’t you let me in

I know it has been hard

Your dreams are mine

I can die, if you aren’t by my side

I can mend your heart

Baby, you have my heart

I can’t think of being without you

I am going crazy, hurt

Why won’t you let me in

Please let me in, let me shower with your tears, I will wipe them, I will make them mine….

Copyright and Rights Reserved to Carmen Scott (c) 2016 

Valentine’s Day 2016

Valentine’s day has become so commercialized and focused on who gets the biggest gift, that for me is almost not worth celebrating it. For me, Valentine’s day is every day I can do something nice for my significant other. If I can but those socks he needs, or just bring him that chocolate he has been craving to work and make his day; that for me is celebrating our friendship and love. I am not expecting nor want a big teddy bear (I hate teddy bears) nor I want a huge stuff animal, I don’t want expensive gifts, just something that came from the heart and something he has put some thought into it. Flowers die, Chocolates make me fat (except my favorite ones, <cough>) and jewelry is very expensive.

My suggestions, make Valentine’s day and every day thing. If you really want to express your love more than usual this day, then here are my suggestions;

· Got to the place ya’ll first met

· Get their favorite candy, go to the dollar store grab a few boxes and put them on a $1 baggie with a love note

· Rent a movie you both want to watch and lay in bed holding each other

· Write a cliché letter to each other

· Draw them a picture

· Color something and dedicate them to them

· Karaoke your favorite song to them

· Sit and watch the sunset while eating your favorite desert.

· Go on a walk together, it’s good for the heart

If you must buy jewelry let me let you in on some secrets. Stainless Steel it is stronger than both Sterling silver and gold, and its more durable, it doesn’t tarnish, scratches are less visible and best of all, its SUPER cheap! Nowadays they make the cutest jewelry in stainless steel. Diamonds, can you tell the difference between diamonds without taking them to a jeweler? I can put a $10 stainless steel ring with a crystal cut fake diamond next to a $1000-dollar white gold ring, and I can guarantee you won’t be able to tell the difference with the naked eye. I have always worn even for my wedding rings stainless steel, and people will swear my ex-spouse have spent thousands of dollars on my rings. Don’t break your wallet, and if they don’t appreciate the gesture, they don’t deserve anything at all.

Have fun, happy Valentine’s Day!

PS. I got some couple’s ring, stainless steel for $8 bucks each, I am currently wearing my music note stainless steel ring, which I will be switching when he accepts my promise ring, then some of favorite college football gear, like keychains and a sweater, and a bag full of his favorite candy. I also drew him a picture, made him handmade card, and decorated a box, so he can put random things on it. I am sure he will love it. Also, it came from the heart and I put a lot of thought into it, didn’t just went and got the most expensive thing and shoved it in his face.

Wait I am not done!

Cards, I am sorry Hallmark, but there are so expensive. But they also have great messages specially if you have no idea what to say. However, if you in a budget and can’t afford to buy a $8 card, make your own. If you aren’t artistic, print on, and use a nice message from son you both love or find a nice poem for free online.

Okay now you can go! I try to keep my post about 600 words or less, and I just cross that mark. =)



Love you guys!

Not Letting Go!

If you have been reading my blogs, you can tell that my mind is scattered. I think about everything, and most of the time I overthink topics. This one hits close to my heart and believe me, I’ve been thinking about it for days.
Have you ever loved someone so much, or think you love them so much, that you cannot let go? They can tell you straight to your face “I do not love you”. However, you love them so much that you don’t believe their words. Your heart aches and falls apart, to the point you will do anything for them to keep you by their side. You find in your head a reason why they don’t love you. You make excuses, to stay by their side. You feel so sick, so down, so terrible that you block what is reality. You cannot let them go. You feel like if you stay, you can help them, you can change them, you can be patient and maybe, just maybe, one day they will say “I love you”.
Just because you been there for everything, you have done anything and everything for them, that doesn’t mean they will ever love you. They might not ever say those words. They might never feel the same way. However, you decide to stay. You hold on tight for dear life, and stay by their side. Believe they need you more than you need them? In reality you need them more, because you are all alone in the world? Yes, that’s a question. Which one is it? Do you feel that lonely, that you won’t let them go even if they want you gone? Or do you think they can’t love you because they think no one can love them like you do?
There are many questions and scenarios I can think of. Begging to someone to keep you and give you a chance at love might sound degrading. Getting on your knees crying, saying that you don’t care if they love you or not, you will be there for them might sound desperate. When do you know its real love and not separation anxiety?
What is love? When does it become unconditional love? There is no bullying from either part, there is no violence, there is no malice. But for some reason, they think they cannot love you, and maybe they never will. What will you do? Do you make them realize, that they can’t tell the future and to give you a chance at love? Take a risk with you, what’s the worst that can happen? A year from now, you guys are the happiest couple, or just decide to go your separate ways. There is no way to tell the future.
If there is no one else in the picture, if you are happy, and enjoy time together, why not give it a chance? There is no reason, and no statement saying, that if he/she doesn’t love you, you need to leave them. You love them, you are patient, you will do anything for them. You want to make their dreams come true. That’s the reason you stay. Do no stay because you feel alone, stay because you really want them to be happy, and you know in your heart you can make their life better.
You beg them to stay with you, because in your heart, you truly believe, right now, you are the best choice for them. You can help them, encourage them, and help them succeed. It is not about us staying alone. It’s about what is best for them, because you are the one that is carrying the relationship, you will love for both of you. Do not let go.
It is not sick, it’s not selfish, it actually selfless, it is true love. Don’t let them go because they think you are better off without them. They do not know what’s inside your heart and mind. When you love someone, it’s all about them, not you. If they aren’t hurting you, don’t let go.

Can I?

I wonder if people with mental illnesses can have normal relationships. Someone that is constantly thinking about what "if" and, what the other person might be thinking, can that be healthy in a relationship?

Can it be possible? Asking the other person for constant reassurance, might be tiresome for both parties. Can it be done? Is there someone so patient, that can deal with a person like me? The feelings of being too clingy, the feelings of guilt, of being in the way, can someone actually handle that? Without running away or pushing me out? Can someone understand enough to love someone like me? A person so complicated, that has to take medication to make her a bit more normal.

A mind so cloudy, so busy, so desperate to be loved. That mind is misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like a blind fool. To think I can have a normal life. The pain, and my thoughts make my life feel like it's out of luck.

Sometimes, my mind feels so mess up, that I think everything that's wrong with my partner is my fault. My skin feels like it gets twisted inside. Feelings of hurting or punishing myself, because I've done wrong. Can someone love someone like me. Having the fear that one day they will come home to a bruised woman, not because she got abused by a person, but only because her mind abused her. Depression is a terrible thing.

Can I be loved because I am this way?

Inner Peace

One minute can change your whole outlook on life. You can be the nicest person in the world. You can be trying to change the world. But one day, you come to a realization that everything you believe, and strive to achieve is taken for granted by the world. You feel like, "What's the point?", "Why do we wake up every day to go and deal with the same stuff?". Life has been hard enough. At times you struggle just to stay sane. But this one minute in life, you question the meaning of your efforts, the reason you breathe, why are you bothering to doing all this? Why help people that don't want to be helped.

Today I realized, that maybe, we need to live for ourselves. Do what make us happy regardless if anyone else is interested or not. For example, I like to draw. However, if people don't show interest in my art, maybe no one will buy it. I will waste time and effort promoting and showing the world what I like. But, after months there might be a like or two on my page. One person in 5 years might comment. I reached one person that might get inspired to do what they love to do. Regardless of what it costs, or if it influences multitudes, I'm doing this for myself because I like to do it. It's fun to me. It's not a job, it's a hobby. It's a dream. It's a passion. If someone cares, good, if no one besides myself does, that's okay too.

When I was a kid, all I did was work with different arts and teach the neighborhood kids. I used to have so much fun. I miss those days. I dreamed about being a nurse and helping people.

Right now I cannot be a nurse due to my disability. I tried being an EMT for a while. I saw how most of the world just wanted handouts, and the easy way out. I got discouraged. After so many trials and tribulations, I came to a realization today. I'm working for me, my life, and the one I want to spend it with. I'm investing in being happy and making the best of whatever I have left. I'm blogging because I love to write. I'm painting and drawing because I love art. I'm posting it on my Website because I'm proud of my work. If someone comments, writes me, or buys anything, I'll be grateful. However, I'm not expecting anything more than just happiness from doing what I love to do.

My True Friend

Everyday, I wake up and drink medication for my depression, anxiety, pain and ADD. Everyday, the app on my phone reminds me to take my medication, so I can act “normal”. I wouldn’t dare miss a dose, because, as it is, I get very depressed, and lonely. However, everyday, I wake up and listen to music. Every time, I listen to my favorite tunes, my inspiration and mood changes. It helps me go through the awful challenges of this life. I get in the shower and hum tunes, until I can put my headphones on and tuned out the world around it. Music is my best therapy. Even if I can’t be cured, it can help change my attitude. There are many blogs and sayings, about music being the best medicine and therapy for depression. However, I am here to tell you, I can attest to that, and I proof and I can proudly say, that without music, I think I would have been dead a long time ago. Music is my friend, that will talk to me while I listen in silence telling me, everything its going to be ok. Music will not judge me, because of the mood I am in. It will not stop loving me because, I switched the track. Music will not get tired of me playing it constantly and repeatedly at any time of day and night. If I cry while listening to music, it will not wipe my tears, but it will let me express all my feelings to the fullest without a rolling of the eyes. Music is the perfect friend, companion, therapy and medicine.

We don’t want to be a nobody.

What to write? Is there anything left to say to the world? We address the diseases, the environment, the economy, and relationships, but it’s like no one really cares. We all said we are going to change or help. We all forget. We continue to praise our Gods and idols. We continue to wish and pray but we know very well we aren’t going to do anything. All we worry for real is how far can we get with what we have and can do. Why do we care about the future? We won’t be there, right?  Who cares if the Earth floods or dries out in a 100 years? We won’t be there. We really don’t care. We donate to charity and make sure other people notice. We write it off on our taxes. We want praise. We want attention. What do we really want to do with the rest of our lives? Do you want the best car or are you just buying it to help the earth? Don’t play yourself, don’t lie.  We want all the best stuff because is cool. We want people to notice us doing good deeds, because, we don’t want to be a nobody. 

Music and My Mood

Music really can change a person's mood. My psychologist prescribes me many medications, but sometimes, listening to the right music lifts my spirits better than any drug made in a laboratory. I confess, I have a new addiction. I go to Starbucks almost everyday, get on my computer and listen to music while I play on my computer. I have tasted almost everything on the menu. Sitting there, with loud music in my ears, just liberates me. I can not say that works every time, but today, that's how I feel. I feel like I don't have a care in the world.

My boyfriend, Scott aka Whiz Kid from the 228, has a great song that talks about music and how it can be a form of therapy. He really has inspired me to listen to music when I am feeling depressed or down. Take a listen, it might inspire you too. God Bless!


Music is my Therapy

Rant about Sprint

I had Metro PCS, I paid $60  for unlimited Data, and 6GB of Hot Spot, with a fairly nice phone the LG Stylo. I always had great service but If I wanted a nicer Phone I would have to cough up a lot of money at front. But, me being a techy and having no patient at all, and wanting better technology, Went to Sprint and got me a Samsung Galaxy Note 5 (fantastic phone), however, when I went to my usual eating spot, the phone didn't had LTE signal, then when I went to Starbucks, I didn't had LTE either GRRRR, then I went home and had between 2-3 bars of LTE.... I was going to settle for that. Hey they gave me a great deal 10GB for $40 but no hot spot. However, me being picky, first thing I did was go to Verizon the next morning. They bought out my contract, They bought my phone, gave me 6GB for $60 (bad deal) plus $20 for line access, insurance and paying on the phone as a lease, (same phone the Note 5) my monthly bill will be around $120, I can use hot spot, and I had 4G LTE and almost full bar everywhere I go. I got a few gadgets, and a cute Kate Spade case, and a the gold version wohoooo >.>  The point of this is, maybe next time, I can save up some money (ya right) and just just buy a nicer phone and stick with the good service and the better deal. But Overall, not complaining, Verizon has really good coverage everywhere, so even if I end up hiking, and lost in the woods I probably still have service. Oh by the way, I had no deposit, which on Verizon this is like a RARE commodity, I felt like a Queen when the rep said no deposit. I was very flabbergasted. LOL 

Samsung Galaxy Note 5 32GB in GOLD

Kate  Spade Black and Gold case

Strange Mood, I love him and he knows

Sometimes you wake up in such a mood, when you feel like nothing can go wrong. Those are the days that you must take advantage of and become productive. People like me, or the people reading my blog don't have have those days often.  I woke up in such a great mood,  with no medication this morning. I intend to make this feeling last, for as long as I can. (of course I still took my meds) let's not get crazy.
Today I feel like there is joy in my heart. It is the second day of the year and I hope I have many days like these. I'm in love with a beautiful guy, that I tell "I love you" everyday, as he responds "I know".

Any fan of Star Wars knows this line, and I have taken it as it came. One day he will he will say, "I love you too", But until that day, I am enjoying that chemistry we have. We can share so much with each other, it is an amazing feeling. When I am feeling down he lifts me up, I can just look at his eyes, and everything feels right. The way he holds me, I feel the love, just  because he can't say it back yet; it doesn't mean he doesn't love me in his own way. 

In the mood discussion, if you can get something done today, that you have been meaning to do for a long time... DO IT! Use the energy you got, this message goes especially to my fellas with #Lupus. We don't get much days like these. So let's this productivity party started. Whether is to wash that pile of clothes or actually start that painting you have been planning for 5 years. 

God Bless you and have a great year! 

Whiz Kid from the 228- What Can We Do

This is my boyfriend's new song "What Can We Do" I hope you will listen to it and enjoy it. #whizkidfromthe228