Can I?

I wonder if people with mental illnesses can have normal relationships. Someone that is constantly thinking about what "if" and, what the other person might be thinking, can that be healthy in a relationship?

Can it be possible? Asking the other person for constant reassurance, might be tiresome for both parties. Can it be done? Is there someone so patient, that can deal with a person like me? The feelings of being too clingy, the feelings of guilt, of being in the way, can someone actually handle that? Without running away or pushing me out? Can someone understand enough to love someone like me? A person so complicated, that has to take medication to make her a bit more normal.

A mind so cloudy, so busy, so desperate to be loved. That mind is misunderstood. Sometimes I feel like a blind fool. To think I can have a normal life. The pain, and my thoughts make my life feel like it's out of luck.

Sometimes, my mind feels so mess up, that I think everything that's wrong with my partner is my fault. My skin feels like it gets twisted inside. Feelings of hurting or punishing myself, because I've done wrong. Can someone love someone like me. Having the fear that one day they will come home to a bruised woman, not because she got abused by a person, but only because her mind abused her. Depression is a terrible thing.

Can I be loved because I am this way?

Inner Peace

One minute can change your whole outlook on life. You can be the nicest person in the world. You can be trying to change the world. But one day, you come to a realization that everything you believe, and strive to achieve is taken for granted by the world. You feel like, "What's the point?", "Why do we wake up every day to go and deal with the same stuff?". Life has been hard enough. At times you struggle just to stay sane. But this one minute in life, you question the meaning of your efforts, the reason you breathe, why are you bothering to doing all this? Why help people that don't want to be helped.

Today I realized, that maybe, we need to live for ourselves. Do what make us happy regardless if anyone else is interested or not. For example, I like to draw. However, if people don't show interest in my art, maybe no one will buy it. I will waste time and effort promoting and showing the world what I like. But, after months there might be a like or two on my page. One person in 5 years might comment. I reached one person that might get inspired to do what they love to do. Regardless of what it costs, or if it influences multitudes, I'm doing this for myself because I like to do it. It's fun to me. It's not a job, it's a hobby. It's a dream. It's a passion. If someone cares, good, if no one besides myself does, that's okay too.

When I was a kid, all I did was work with different arts and teach the neighborhood kids. I used to have so much fun. I miss those days. I dreamed about being a nurse and helping people.

Right now I cannot be a nurse due to my disability. I tried being an EMT for a while. I saw how most of the world just wanted handouts, and the easy way out. I got discouraged. After so many trials and tribulations, I came to a realization today. I'm working for me, my life, and the one I want to spend it with. I'm investing in being happy and making the best of whatever I have left. I'm blogging because I love to write. I'm painting and drawing because I love art. I'm posting it on my Website because I'm proud of my work. If someone comments, writes me, or buys anything, I'll be grateful. However, I'm not expecting anything more than just happiness from doing what I love to do.

My True Friend

Everyday, I wake up and drink medication for my depression, anxiety, pain and ADD. Everyday, the app on my phone reminds me to take my medication, so I can act “normal”. I wouldn’t dare miss a dose, because, as it is, I get very depressed, and lonely. However, everyday, I wake up and listen to music. Every time, I listen to my favorite tunes, my inspiration and mood changes. It helps me go through the awful challenges of this life. I get in the shower and hum tunes, until I can put my headphones on and tuned out the world around it. Music is my best therapy. Even if I can’t be cured, it can help change my attitude. There are many blogs and sayings, about music being the best medicine and therapy for depression. However, I am here to tell you, I can attest to that, and I proof and I can proudly say, that without music, I think I would have been dead a long time ago. Music is my friend, that will talk to me while I listen in silence telling me, everything its going to be ok. Music will not judge me, because of the mood I am in. It will not stop loving me because, I switched the track. Music will not get tired of me playing it constantly and repeatedly at any time of day and night. If I cry while listening to music, it will not wipe my tears, but it will let me express all my feelings to the fullest without a rolling of the eyes. Music is the perfect friend, companion, therapy and medicine.

We don’t want to be a nobody.

What to write? Is there anything left to say to the world? We address the diseases, the environment, the economy, and relationships, but it’s like no one really cares. We all said we are going to change or help. We all forget. We continue to praise our Gods and idols. We continue to wish and pray but we know very well we aren’t going to do anything. All we worry for real is how far can we get with what we have and can do. Why do we care about the future? We won’t be there, right?  Who cares if the Earth floods or dries out in a 100 years? We won’t be there. We really don’t care. We donate to charity and make sure other people notice. We write it off on our taxes. We want praise. We want attention. What do we really want to do with the rest of our lives? Do you want the best car or are you just buying it to help the earth? Don’t play yourself, don’t lie.  We want all the best stuff because is cool. We want people to notice us doing good deeds, because, we don’t want to be a nobody. 

Music and My Mood

Music really can change a person's mood. My psychologist prescribes me many medications, but sometimes, listening to the right music lifts my spirits better than any drug made in a laboratory. I confess, I have a new addiction. I go to Starbucks almost everyday, get on my computer and listen to music while I play on my computer. I have tasted almost everything on the menu. Sitting there, with loud music in my ears, just liberates me. I can not say that works every time, but today, that's how I feel. I feel like I don't have a care in the world.

My boyfriend, Scott aka Whiz Kid from the 228, has a great song that talks about music and how it can be a form of therapy. He really has inspired me to listen to music when I am feeling depressed or down. Take a listen, it might inspire you too. God Bless!


Music is my Therapy

Rant about Sprint

I had Metro PCS, I paid $60  for unlimited Data, and 6GB of Hot Spot, with a fairly nice phone the LG Stylo. I always had great service but If I wanted a nicer Phone I would have to cough up a lot of money at front. But, me being a techy and having no patient at all, and wanting better technology, Went to Sprint and got me a Samsung Galaxy Note 5 (fantastic phone), however, when I went to my usual eating spot, the phone didn't had LTE signal, then when I went to Starbucks, I didn't had LTE either GRRRR, then I went home and had between 2-3 bars of LTE.... I was going to settle for that. Hey they gave me a great deal 10GB for $40 but no hot spot. However, me being picky, first thing I did was go to Verizon the next morning. They bought out my contract, They bought my phone, gave me 6GB for $60 (bad deal) plus $20 for line access, insurance and paying on the phone as a lease, (same phone the Note 5) my monthly bill will be around $120, I can use hot spot, and I had 4G LTE and almost full bar everywhere I go. I got a few gadgets, and a cute Kate Spade case, and a the gold version wohoooo >.>  The point of this is, maybe next time, I can save up some money (ya right) and just just buy a nicer phone and stick with the good service and the better deal. But Overall, not complaining, Verizon has really good coverage everywhere, so even if I end up hiking, and lost in the woods I probably still have service. Oh by the way, I had no deposit, which on Verizon this is like a RARE commodity, I felt like a Queen when the rep said no deposit. I was very flabbergasted. LOL 

Samsung Galaxy Note 5 32GB in GOLD

Kate  Spade Black and Gold case

Strange Mood, I love him and he knows

Sometimes you wake up in such a mood, when you feel like nothing can go wrong. Those are the days that you must take advantage of and become productive. People like me, or the people reading my blog don't have have those days often.  I woke up in such a great mood,  with no medication this morning. I intend to make this feeling last, for as long as I can. (of course I still took my meds) let's not get crazy.
Today I feel like there is joy in my heart. It is the second day of the year and I hope I have many days like these. I'm in love with a beautiful guy, that I tell "I love you" everyday, as he responds "I know".

Any fan of Star Wars knows this line, and I have taken it as it came. One day he will he will say, "I love you too", But until that day, I am enjoying that chemistry we have. We can share so much with each other, it is an amazing feeling. When I am feeling down he lifts me up, I can just look at his eyes, and everything feels right. The way he holds me, I feel the love, just  because he can't say it back yet; it doesn't mean he doesn't love me in his own way. 

In the mood discussion, if you can get something done today, that you have been meaning to do for a long time... DO IT! Use the energy you got, this message goes especially to my fellas with #Lupus. We don't get much days like these. So let's this productivity party started. Whether is to wash that pile of clothes or actually start that painting you have been planning for 5 years. 

God Bless you and have a great year! 

Whiz Kid from the 228- What Can We Do

This is my boyfriend's new song "What Can We Do" I hope you will listen to it and enjoy it. #whizkidfromthe228