Why Do I Wake Up?

By Carmen Scott  

Why did I wake up today? I look to my side and I am all alone. Nothing warm to hold, not even a pet. What is the point? I snuggle with my blanket, and I fall asleep every night hoping the next morning it was all just a dream. Why do I get torture this way? I had a dream the other day, an angel with blue eyes was holding me to sleep. He smiled and caressed my hair, while holding me closed to his chest. He whispered everything will be OK, I will protect you. I knew at that moment it was all a dream. No one will actually feel that way for me. I wasn’t a lucky, pretty, thin girl. There is no-one in this world for me. Every time, I get up, it’s just another gloomy sad day, why do I even bother? All I can do is sleep, and dream, that I can be truly loved.  

I am alone with my thoughts. Dark thoughts, I don’t want to live anymore. If I must go through my whole life alone, I rather not live. I want to just dream. I see people happy, everyone has somebody. They hug, kiss, talk and laugh. Why can’t I have that? I want someone that will listen to me too. I want talk their ears off, while they attentively listen. I want them to hold me in public like there is no one else in the world.  I want someone to hold my hand, and tell me they love me, and there is no one else for them. I want someone to hold me at night and keep me warm.  I want to make love all night until the sun comes on. Watching their eyes, feeling their love pour inside me. Someone to hold me tight, and whisper me how much I mean to him. Why can someone love me like there is no one else in the world? I want to be selfish, I want someone to adore me. I want to be their center, the most important thing in their life.  

I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts. My heart is too weak. At the minimal signal that I can have something meaningful in my life, I fall for it. I fall so fast in love, and I don’t give myself time to see if I can have all the things I want. Sometimes I feel like, I just don’t want to go alone in this world. Can I be just settling? I just don’t want to wake up alone.  

Sometimes, I feel like I have no purpose in life. Sometimes I feel like, I am just meant to find broken hearts and mend them, while I break mine. It feel good, when I see them happy. But what about me? Why don’t I worry about my feelings? I always just want someone to tell me I make them happy. But doesn’t that contradict what I want. I want someone to make me happy. Maybe one day I can make someone happy, and they can make me happy.  

I feel happy when I am dreaming. I often dream of my angel with the blue eyes. Sometimes I don’t want to wake up, so I can keep dreaming of him. He makes me happy. His smile, his voice, and his eyes, tells me everything I need to know. There is no words to be said. His touch, it’s amazing, is enlightening. When I hold his hand, I wish that time and that moment will never end. How my life would be with him. Everything we do it feel like magic, it feels like that’s the way always has mean to be.  

But then I wake up. It is not real. I am sad once again, the agony of living every day without him it’s killing me. I try to pretend I can be happy alone. I cannot, I want him, all night and all day. Even if I just stare at him from afar, I know he is by my side. Sometimes I imagine sitting across from him in a coffee shop. He is busy, concentrating on his work, but once in a while he would glance at me and smile, and will know everything its ok. I will know he loves me and I am on his mind day and night.  

I know it’s just a dream. I understand this will never be. I usually go sit on a public space, I look around, and I just wish he would walk in my life. I had my share of shattered dreams. Sometimes, I believe that my angel will come in disguise. I have try to uncover him under many men. At last I always remember, he is too perfect to be real. I expect too much from them. I expect them to be just like my dream. Humans aren’t mean to be like angels. That’s what I need to realize. My angel will never be.  

I will never finish describing how great the feel is when I am with him. My beautiful angel. I feel so safe, and so happy, just knowing he is by me. He encourage me to be better.  He smiles with sincerity, he is honest with me. He comes from a higher place, he is humble, and ambitious, all at once. He is caring and sweet, but he is also strong and reserved. He can push me to my limits, and give me a kiss after I sweat.  He is the one for me.  

I want to be in his loving hands. I want to hear his beating heart. I want to sit under the stars, and hear each other’s dreams. I know he will be there for me, even when I grow old. He will never look at me different. I will be always his love, his security, his beautiful queen. He will never see my faults, as a defect. I will be his weird princess. My rough edges, would seem unique to him, and my scent will be the sweetest thing he has ever smell. He will never make me feel alone.  

I know he is only a dream, but if dreams can come true, he would me my only wish. I don’t want money, I don’t want fame, and I don’t want expensive things. I just want him. I think that the blue in his eyes, represent all the tears I have shed over the years. I don’t think I would be able to make it without this dreams.  Maybe I do wake up because he is out here somewhere.  If I see someone staring back at me, I will smile at them. I know I will know when I find him. His smile will melt my heart.  

I will ask him to stay with me forever. I can imagine his sweet scent. The perfect smell; he will smell like coffee, soap, and paper. He would be smart and full of dreams. He will be the perfect man for me. He won’t want sex just to have it, He will want it to be meaningful and passionate.  His kisses will take my breath away. I will feel like every moment with him can be my last. I will enjoy every second of him by my side. I know is a dream, but wouldn’t it be sweet, to have him? 

He would give me reasons to smile while I am alone. I would smile when receiving a text, because I would know he is thinking about me.  My heart would skip a beat when I receive a kiss. When I hear his angelic voice, I would feel like angels are singing. He is my angel that would have fallen from the heavens. I would be the luckiest woman in the world. I hope that I am not too late finding him.  

I been searching for my angel. My luck has been terrible. I been on the dark, fumbling without a light.  I’ve have fallen deep in a hole with nowhere to go. My heart has been lost, broken and stolen. I think it will never be healed. I am so sick of this world I live in. The dark place within me, has consume me. The air is cold, and it seems to be always raining. There is never any sunshine. Feels like I walk among demons. People laughing, pretending to be happy, that’s what I see. There is no hope in the world. There is only suffering and pain. But then all that is over, when I go to sleep and dream.  

If he exist only in my dreams, why do I wake up?